2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
