Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
