There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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