That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
