Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
