I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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