Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Please, let me fuck your mom
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!