Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.