I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Randomize
