Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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