i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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