shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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