Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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