Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
