I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
