Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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