the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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