Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
