No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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