i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
