Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
