just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
