My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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