My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
