I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
