I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
