I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
