I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
