Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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