do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
