I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
