it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize