The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
