Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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