Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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