I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
