We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
