I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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