Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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