I just threw up on my dentist
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
