I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
