I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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