So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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