I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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