please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Floor bacon is actually really good
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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