false alarm. still invincible.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize