:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
