His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
