I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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