Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
