does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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