So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
