I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Someone shattered a urinal.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
