I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
