Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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