I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going