If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
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