I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
