im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
