I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
