then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
