He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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