meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize