im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
