I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
