I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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