I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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