I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
