I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
