There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
