yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
