Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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