So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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