If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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