I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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