All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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